


"Fine"

by shatterthefragments



Series: I'll Never Get My Happy Ending, Will I? [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Depressed Sam, Gen, John negative, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-13 18:42:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4533027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shatterthefragments/pseuds/shatterthefragments
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So you know how you said that it would all be fine... that I would be fine... You were wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Fine"

**Author's Note:**

> This one needs a serious warning for suicide, feeling worthless, and anything of relation to things such as these.

So you know how you said that it would all be fine... that I would be fine... You were wrong.  
**I'm breaking down.**

There isn't all that much left for me.

Not for me. Not right now. Not even in the immediate future.  
_(Not even in the future.... there's no hope. There's nothing for me.)_

 

I'm the one who got Jess killed.  
If we had never met, she'd still be alive.  
Likely, someone else would've taken her place...  
If I were at Stanford.  
(But I ~~might've~~  would've killed myself if I had to keep myself under John's regime.)

I'm the one who was supposed to be the Boy King.  
If I weren't born, Mary never would've had to make that deal.  
But there were still others...  
It could've been any of the others.  
(But I was  _special._ )

I was the one who let Lucifer out of his cage.  
I wasn't sure anything could fix that. It all seemed hopeless.  
Even with those doubts, all that was left for me to do was to fix it...  
Then I could give up. But not a single moment sooner.  
(But Dean wouldn't deal with it. He'd bring me back. Again.)

I was the one who was brought back soulless.  
I never was sure exactly what I did during that time.  
Those memories were lost forever.  
All I could hope is that I didn't mess up any more lives.  
(But, honestly  _Winchester_ , messing up peoples' lives is a second nature to you.)

I was the one who assumed that Dean was dead.  
I eventually gave up looking for where he could be.  
Even though I ~~apparently~~ should've looked harder.  
At least he came back.  
(But how fucked up are our lives that this is a possibility?)

I let Dean talk me out of the Trials.  
I could've finished them, but Dean always came first, now didn't he?  
Everybody could've been safe at the expense of my own piddly life.  
And isn't that the family business?  
(The demons would all be in Hell. Why couldn't I just finish it?)

I was me who ended up accepting the "help" of an angel,  
Even if I never would've accepted it had I known what it would entail.  
Kevin would still be alive. I didn't know what else Gadreel had done in my body.  
But I suppose hindsight is always the clearest sight.  
(I should've known. I should've accepted Death's hand, finally.)

It was me who had to stop Dean after he accepted the Mark of Cain.  
How was it that it was me that had to take this on?   
Whether it's the intent of someone else or not, I always screw stuff up.  
But I suppose I managed.  
(But what about the consequences?)

 

_**I should've gone with Death when I had the chance.** _

 

  
If I honestly thought it would help anybody, I'd kill myself for them in a heartbeat.   
But, as it is, I need to be here to stop things that my existence has caused.

  
_But where would the Winchesters be without a world of turmoil and evil following behind them at every step, waiting for the slightest misstep for them to take over the hunters responsible for so many of their kind's demise._  
_It all just sucks._

_After all, the only future available for the Winchesters is one of suffering._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
